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Posts Tagged ‘sexuality’


I was enjoying my breakfast the other morning when an upcoming segment on a popular breakfast television program caused me to sit up and take notice. The segment was about monogamy and involved an interview with the author of the book, “Sex at Dawn”, Christopher Ryan. This should be interesting I thought to myself. The program’s presenters, as pleasant as they were, really didn’t seem to have much of a clue as to Ryan’s book or what it was about, instead preferring to turn the interview into a juicy confrontation with a man representing family values. Ryan did his best to clarify that he was not attempting to make a moral judgement regarding people’s lifestyle choices despite repeated attempts from the interviewer to portray him as someone seeking to corrupt society’s values. He was simply stating that based on his research he didn’t believe that monogamy came naturally to the human species. It was more of a scientific opinion yet the man representing family values continued to bash away regardless. Ryan hardly got a word in and was left shaking his head at the conclusion of the interview, as was I.

On the program’s website they had posted a forum question in relation to the segment titled, “Is Monogamy Natural”? As I scrolled through the comments I was appalled by the lack of understanding on the topic and the eagerness of many to not only declare monogamy to be natural but that it was also the best choice and the only way to ensure stability and harmony in our society. Natural? I wonder if these people had been so exhaustive in their research as Mr. Ryan. The term, “cheating” was bandied about frequently and men, in particular, were copping a lot of flak for their infidelity. Did anybody actually read the question? The question didn’t ask whether or not you thought monogamy was a valid lifestyle choice. It asked if monogamy was natural. I felt compelled to comment and this is what I said:

“This is not a moral question. Monogamy is a choice. Is it natural? I don’t believe it is. We all feel attractions to other people no matter how much we love our partners so if we decide not to act on those feelings then we are making a conscious choice. We call it free will. The question is not whether monogamy is good or bad, just whether or not it’s natural. Temptation challenges our human nature constantly. Just look at the rate of divorce and infidelity in our society.”

I find it curious that polyamorists are accepting of different lifestyle choices and sexual orientations, including monogamy yet many people who believe strongly in the model of monogamy are quick to condemn anyone who chooses otherwise, often labeling them as immoral or perverted. I personally identify as poly amorous and believe in ethical non-monogamy but I am at the same time understanding and respectful of other’s decisions to pursue a monogamous lifestyle. From where I stand it seems we have a long way to go towards total acceptance.

So let me put the question out there again. Is monogamy natural? Let me know what you think.

Footnote: I am yet to read “Sex at Dawn” but it sounds like a fascinating book. ūüôā

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It’s funny the different stages we go through in our lives. I remember a time when I believed I was the stereo-typical male who thought with his dick and all I wanted was sex, and then more sex. After my first marriage ended I couldn’t wait to get out there and enjoy my new-found freedom and experience as much sex as possible with as many different women as would be agreeable. I soon realized though, that all the sex I was having, as enjoyable as it was, just wasn’t fulfilling me. After all, it’s just sex. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but I was craving something more.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine recently who had not long¬†ended his marriage of some twenty plus years. He told me that he was more turned on by the prospect of getting to know someone he found interesting than looking at them with a view to having sex with them. That’s not to say that his dick has gone AWOL on him. He wants connection, emotionally and physically and though he’s been propositioned isn’t looking to entertain the idea of sex for it’s own pleasure. I personally found that while I was in a bad marriage where everything was lacking I thought that it was just the sex that I was wanting, only to discover later after the marriage had ended that I was, in fact, wanting so much more.

I’ve enjoyed sex for sex sake both as a single guy and with my wife when we’ve been swinging and while it’s all good fun I can certainly relate to my friend and his desire to form intimate relationships. My wife and I knew that we both wanted more than a conventional¬†monogamous marriage offered and initially decided to test the water¬†at a local swinger’s club. After a few experiences we’ve both come to the conclusion that what we seek is not just sex but emotional and intellectual connection as well. I actually found myself fantasizing about having a romantic dinner and wine with a woman I’d just met the other day as opposed to getting down and dirty between the sheets. Wow! I was having a non-sexual fantasy about a woman. What’s happened to me? Am I no longer a member of the “men’s club”? Maybe I’m evolving as a human being. Perhaps my friend is too. Or maybe more men want intimacy with their partners than we give them credit for.

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When scouring the landscape for a potential partner we pick our mark and make our move armed with nothing more than our charm and a few questions designed to quickly discover whether our potential target is, in fact, worthy of further pursuit. (Okay, maybe you’ve got more than just charm in your arsenal ;)). But are they the right questions?

I got to thinking about this after I was approached recently by an attractive woman who I noticed had been looking my way while I was out one evening. I was alone and as she was leaving with her friend when she stopped, turned and came towards me. She was attracted to me and was clearly in a hurry so she shot from the hip.

“Excuse me, may I ask if you’re gay”?

“No, I’m not”, I replied matter-of-factly.

“Oh, that’s good. ” A broad smile appeared on her face. She straightened her body and threw back her shoulders as she launched into her next question.

” Are you married”?

“Yes, I am”, I smiled back and before I could say another word she was gone with a sigh, shoulders slumped as she vanished into the night.

“But, but, but…..”, I stammered. It was too late.

I didn’t get a chance to elaborate on my answer. Had she asked me if I was available the answer would have been a resounding “yes”. Now, she still may not have been so keen to get involved with a married man albeit in an open relationship. It depends what she was looking for. But we’ll never know because she didn’t ask the right question. It’s not that easy for people to get their head around the fact that you’re available while you’re still married. This woman may have been looking for a non-committal relationship but wasn’t comfortable with the idea of going behind someone’s back. I get that. Hence, when she heard the word, “married”, she was out of there.¬†Most women automatically assume that a man is cheating ¬†on his wife if he’s looking to get involved with another woman while still married. There lies my¬†dilemma.

Despite this it is my policy to always be brutally honest. So is it the question that’s wrong or am I giving the wrong answer?

I guess my point is this. You may be looking to hook up with someone and all you really want to know is whether they’re¬†available¬†to you. Then that should be the question, “are you available”? Simple. Fill in the blanks later. I’m still smarting letting a wonderful opportunity pass me by.

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We all love labels. It’s so easy if everyone is¬†compartmentalized into easy-to-understand¬†categories¬†to make life easier¬†for us all. So I was wondering where do I fit in? Which box do I tick to identify my authentic self and my true values and beliefs regarding my sexuality and relationship status? For example: heterosexual, gay, bi-sexual,¬†monogamous, swinger,¬†poly-amorous, etc.

We are all unique and often it’s difficult to¬†pigeon-hole people into just one category. I’ve read a number of posts where polyamorists go to great lengths to distance themselves from swingers sometimes to the point of denigrating the other’s lifestyle choice. But can you be a swinger and poly at the same time? I would personally have a hard time choosing which box to tick here because for me the answer is “yes” to both. Pure, physical sexual pleasure without emotional connection is certainly possible and enjoyed by many in the swinging community including myself. I have also found myself in the situation where I have enjoyed a deep, intimate, physical and emotional connection with another person while maintaining my love for my primary partner. That connection was ongoing and grew into love without diminishing my feelings for my significant other.

I don’t want to be tied down by¬†definitions. I’m still learning and exploring and opening myself up to the infinite possibilities that life offers. I’m fortunate to be married to a woman who loves me¬†unconditionally and accepts me as I am and trusts in the depth of our love and¬†commitment¬†to one another.¬†¬†Is one lifestyle superior to the other? Well, that’s like comparing partners too, isn’t it? They’re different. That’s all. Why do we have to choose? Allow yourself to feel and embrace whatever manifests¬†itself¬†sexually or emotionally.

There are other boxes that I struggle with also. My wife considers herself “straight” yet she has enjoyed intimate sexual relations with women while we’re swinging. From her point of view she has no desire to be in a relationship with a woman or harbors lesbian sexual fantasies yet is quite comfortable giving and receiving pleasure from another woman in a swinging situation.¬†Therefore¬†she does not consider¬†herself¬†to be bi-sexual. I, myself, have no desire or attraction to other men but have sometimes wondered what it might be like to feel or suck another man’s cock. I read somewhere that this is quite common among men and relates purely to the cock itself. That makes sense to me because I certainly don’t have any inclination whatsoever to explore even a sexual relationship with another man. Therefore, I consider myself to be neither gay or bis-sexual either.

This is just the beginning of an exciting journey for both of us. So far we both agree that instant sexual connections like we’ve made at swinging clubs are not all that satisfying for us and meeting people we are emotionally and¬†physically¬†attracted to with the promise of an ongoing relationship is more appealing. I’d say we’re probably leaning more towards¬†poly-amorous¬†but keeping an open mind.

Confused? Just enjoy the ride. ūüėČ

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We talk about it. We think about it. It’s all around us every day in every way. Everywhere we turn we’re bombarded with sexual messages through various media and yet we’re somehow led to believe that sex is this sacred act of love shared only between two monogamous individuals. Forgive me if I find this a little confusing and somewhat contradictory.

I do agree that sex and love go together. It’s called ” making love”. But when you take love out of the equation it’s just sex. So what’s wrong with that? Nothing, in my opinion. Isn’t it time we all took sex a little less seriously and enjoyed it for what it is, a pleasurable physical act that can be shared with one or many or…….even alone. It’s just sex. What’s the big deal?

For years I wrestled with the guilt I felt for feeling sexually attracted to other women and even more so for entertaining elaborate fantasies. I always felt as if I was fighting nature. It made sense to me but didn’t fit at all with society’s views on sex. Like many I felt sexually repressed. This is a very unhealthy state indeed and I’m sure has a lot to do with the high rate of non-consensual sex and molestation.

It’s wonderful to feel sexually liberated and I am grateful to share my life with a woman who’s views mirror mine. We have played with other couples, single females, and I have played alone with a mutual friend with my wife’s blessing. She’s even hornier when I get home as the thought that I’ve just had sex with someone else gets her very turned on.

I’ve enjoyed watching her screaming with pleasure while being fucked by another man as much as she’s enjoyed giving me a shared blow job with her friend. If two people truly love each other then why would they want to deny the other any pleasure or fantasy they desired? Unfortunately, for all the people reading this who “get” where I’m coming from there will be just as many, if not more who will condemn me and find it all totally disgusting.

If everyone’s open and honest then why not? Everybody goes home with a smile on their face and no-one gets hurt. It’s just sex and sex is fun. Let’s all have a little fun, eh? ūüėČ

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It’s great to be in love. It’s wonderful to feel the sexual attraction, enjoy the friendship and companionship and all the goodies that come with being in a relationship. But somewhere along the line things change, the road gets a little bumpy and before you know it the fun has diminished and it’s become more like hard work. Hey, I’ve been there. Somehow I managed to “work” my way through eighteen years of marriage before we both finally came to our senses and called it a day.

You’d think I might have learned something after all those years but nope, you guessed it, I went and threw myself head-first into another relationship blinded as I was by physical attraction and great sex. It wasn’t long before we were arguing about anything and everything and I was looking for the nearest exit. Her response was: “you need to work harder at it”. It was then that it really dawned on me. Hard work? Who says that relationships necessarily have to be hard work? Surely not. In any case, I wasn’t hanging around to find out whether she was right or not. I had my own theory. Love’s meant to be easy!

And so began my quest to find true unconditional love. I mean, did it really exist or was it really the stuff of¬†fairy tales? You see, what I’ve found in the past is that once you get through all the initial excitement and newness and things get serious everything changes. Suddenly you’re presented with a set of rules and conditions. Change this, change that. Don’t do this, don’t do that. Oh, and those female friends of yours on My Space…..get rid of them, now! Insecurity, jealousy, expectation. One day you wake up and¬†realize¬†that the fun has gone and if you really want to keep this thing going you’re going to have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.

I must admit I’ve never been a fan of hard work. That doesn’t make me a bad person. Slightly lazy, maybe? I just figured that there has to be another way. Surely I’m not the only person on the planet to feel this way. I must admit that I quite enjoyed my brief moment of “single-ness” after eighteen years of marriage. I discovered things about myself that I’d forgotten were in me. Passions that had long been buried. Freedom to think, feel and do whatever I wanted to. Wow! I didn’t resemble the married guy I used to be and I sure as hell didn’t want to lose him again.

So the question is this. Can you maintain your complete individuality and be in a committed relationship? I’m talking about total, unconditional acceptance of you as you are. Why not?

Well, I have news for you, folks. The answer is “yes”! I am now married to the most wonderful woman. We started as good friends and are now husband and wife. The difference is in our attitudes towards each other. We love each other totally and accept each other completely as we are. Neither of us have sought to change anything about the other. This is a second marriage for both of us and I think we both realize that life’s too short to waste it on fussing and fighting. The key ingredients are honesty, acceptance, and communication.

Before we decided to go down the marriage path again we laid everything out on the table. I mean everything. We both conveyed our life stories in detail to one another ensuring that there were no little surprises in store after we tied the knot, so to speak. We discovered some interesting revelations about one another that could certainly be perceived as “deal breakers”. She told me that she had been involved in the “swinging” scene with her previous husband and though apprehensive at the beginning had come to enjoy it and¬†harbored various fantasies involving group sex activities. As our relationship had been forged over a long distance I had developed strong feelings for a friend that I’d been seeing. These feelings had gone beyond friendship and we had been enjoying a sexual relationship. What I had noticed was that while these feelings were becoming stronger my feelings towards my future wife were in no way diminishing. I was confused. Could I possibly feel love for more than one person? Then I heard about polyamory and began to understand that this was, indeed, entirely possible.

So my wife wanted to swing and I was in love with two people. The important thing was that we were in love with each other. Love is love, not ownership. For the record, the “other woman” in this story was fully aware of my situation. We both believe in honesty and communication. We love and let live. We do things together and there are times when we both know that we need our own space. We don’t judge each other or attempt to impose restrictions on each other. The result is a beautiful marriage built on trust and honesty. We don’t keep secrets. There’s no need to. I love my wife and she knows that I’ll always come home to her. She lets me be “me” and I let her be “her”. Loving her is easy, the way it’s meant to be.

I know that this isn’t the way for everyone. It’s ¬†taken me many years and much soul-searching to reach this special place in my life. There are many blogs on this site from people sharing their experiences and I enjoy reading and relating to them. I just know that this feels right for me and we are both the happiest we’ve ever been. I look forward to sharing more in future blogs. Stay tuned!

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