Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘sexuality’ Category


I should have seen it coming. When you’re poly and in you’re in a relationship with a mono then you’re on borrowed time. Once again I’ve been cast aside to make way for a potential “real” relationship. It was inevitable. My friend with benefits, who I’ll call Sally, has been actively scouring the dating sites for some time now in search of “the one” and has been enjoying what I would call a solo poly amorous lifestyle in the meantime. She had been seeing different guys, including me, on a casual basis but always made it clear that she harbored the fairytale of finding the perfect mate that she could settle into a long-term monogamous relationship with.

It turns out that Sally had met up with a guy through the internet and spent a wonderful weekend with him. She explained to me that as much as she enjoyed our time together she felt that this guy might have some serious potential and she wasn’t prepared to risk losing him by exposing her extra curricular activities to him. Sally knows my wife and we are all friends and I’d say that her eyes have definitely been opened up since becoming involved with me. We even enjoyed a threesome together. As much as she has been prepared to challenge her own beliefs and values by venturing into new sexual territory she doesn’t feel comfortable bringing that into a brand new relationship with someone whom she assumes wouldn’t be quite so open-minded.

So instead Sally will lock away a part of her life and show her new partner the aspects of her life that she thinks will please him rather than take the risk of him rejecting her for revealing herself honestly. I’m not judging her for this, in fact I understand why she feels this way. How many people are in relationships like this already? I don’t expect her to wave the “poly” flag in his face just because that’s my lifestyle choice.

Fortunately for me this decision hasn’t had the same heart-breaking effect that has happened previously. While I care about Sally and value her friendship neither of us developed any strong emotional attachment and our encounters were limited by distance meaning we would only get together maybe once a month if I was in town. It was good that we kept the relationship simple considering her longer term motives and we will continue to be friends. Who knows, if things don’t work out for her she may be calling me again but I’m okay either way.

This experience has reinforced my desire to seek out additional relationships though in future I will try to connect with others who identify as poly amorous and are preferably in a primary relationship of their own or are happily involved with more than one person. Like they say, it’s all about the journey, not the destination. Stay tuned!

Advertisements

Read Full Post »


It’s funny the different stages we go through in our lives. I remember a time when I believed I was the stereo-typical male who thought with his dick and all I wanted was sex, and then more sex. After my first marriage ended I couldn’t wait to get out there and enjoy my new-found freedom and experience as much sex as possible with as many different women as would be agreeable. I soon realized though, that all the sex I was having, as enjoyable as it was, just wasn’t fulfilling me. After all, it’s just sex. Nothing wrong with that, mind you, but I was craving something more.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine recently who had not long ended his marriage of some twenty plus years. He told me that he was more turned on by the prospect of getting to know someone he found interesting than looking at them with a view to having sex with them. That’s not to say that his dick has gone AWOL on him. He wants connection, emotionally and physically and though he’s been propositioned isn’t looking to entertain the idea of sex for it’s own pleasure. I personally found that while I was in a bad marriage where everything was lacking I thought that it was just the sex that I was wanting, only to discover later after the marriage had ended that I was, in fact, wanting so much more.

I’ve enjoyed sex for sex sake both as a single guy and with my wife when we’ve been swinging and while it’s all good fun I can certainly relate to my friend and his desire to form intimate relationships. My wife and I knew that we both wanted more than a conventional monogamous marriage offered and initially decided to test the water at a local swinger’s club. After a few experiences we’ve both come to the conclusion that what we seek is not just sex but emotional and intellectual connection as well. I actually found myself fantasizing about having a romantic dinner and wine with a woman I’d just met the other day as opposed to getting down and dirty between the sheets. Wow! I was having a non-sexual fantasy about a woman. What’s happened to me? Am I no longer a member of the “men’s club”? Maybe I’m evolving as a human being. Perhaps my friend is too. Or maybe more men want intimacy with their partners than we give them credit for.

Read Full Post »


We all love labels. It’s so easy if everyone is compartmentalized into easy-to-understand categories to make life easier for us all. So I was wondering where do I fit in? Which box do I tick to identify my authentic self and my true values and beliefs regarding my sexuality and relationship status? For example: heterosexual, gay, bi-sexual, monogamous, swinger, poly-amorous, etc.

We are all unique and often it’s difficult to pigeon-hole people into just one category. I’ve read a number of posts where polyamorists go to great lengths to distance themselves from swingers sometimes to the point of denigrating the other’s lifestyle choice. But can you be a swinger and poly at the same time? I would personally have a hard time choosing which box to tick here because for me the answer is “yes” to both. Pure, physical sexual pleasure without emotional connection is certainly possible and enjoyed by many in the swinging community including myself. I have also found myself in the situation where I have enjoyed a deep, intimate, physical and emotional connection with another person while maintaining my love for my primary partner. That connection was ongoing and grew into love without diminishing my feelings for my significant other.

I don’t want to be tied down by definitions. I’m still learning and exploring and opening myself up to the infinite possibilities that life offers. I’m fortunate to be married to a woman who loves me unconditionally and accepts me as I am and trusts in the depth of our love and commitment to one another.  Is one lifestyle superior to the other? Well, that’s like comparing partners too, isn’t it? They’re different. That’s all. Why do we have to choose? Allow yourself to feel and embrace whatever manifests itself sexually or emotionally.

There are other boxes that I struggle with also. My wife considers herself “straight” yet she has enjoyed intimate sexual relations with women while we’re swinging. From her point of view she has no desire to be in a relationship with a woman or harbors lesbian sexual fantasies yet is quite comfortable giving and receiving pleasure from another woman in a swinging situation. Therefore she does not consider herself to be bi-sexual. I, myself, have no desire or attraction to other men but have sometimes wondered what it might be like to feel or suck another man’s cock. I read somewhere that this is quite common among men and relates purely to the cock itself. That makes sense to me because I certainly don’t have any inclination whatsoever to explore even a sexual relationship with another man. Therefore, I consider myself to be neither gay or bis-sexual either.

This is just the beginning of an exciting journey for both of us. So far we both agree that instant sexual connections like we’ve made at swinging clubs are not all that satisfying for us and meeting people we are emotionally and physically attracted to with the promise of an ongoing relationship is more appealing. I’d say we’re probably leaning more towards poly-amorous but keeping an open mind.

Confused? Just enjoy the ride. 😉

Read Full Post »


We talk about it. We think about it. It’s all around us every day in every way. Everywhere we turn we’re bombarded with sexual messages through various media and yet we’re somehow led to believe that sex is this sacred act of love shared only between two monogamous individuals. Forgive me if I find this a little confusing and somewhat contradictory.

I do agree that sex and love go together. It’s called ” making love”. But when you take love out of the equation it’s just sex. So what’s wrong with that? Nothing, in my opinion. Isn’t it time we all took sex a little less seriously and enjoyed it for what it is, a pleasurable physical act that can be shared with one or many or…….even alone. It’s just sex. What’s the big deal?

For years I wrestled with the guilt I felt for feeling sexually attracted to other women and even more so for entertaining elaborate fantasies. I always felt as if I was fighting nature. It made sense to me but didn’t fit at all with society’s views on sex. Like many I felt sexually repressed. This is a very unhealthy state indeed and I’m sure has a lot to do with the high rate of non-consensual sex and molestation.

It’s wonderful to feel sexually liberated and I am grateful to share my life with a woman who’s views mirror mine. We have played with other couples, single females, and I have played alone with a mutual friend with my wife’s blessing. She’s even hornier when I get home as the thought that I’ve just had sex with someone else gets her very turned on.

I’ve enjoyed watching her screaming with pleasure while being fucked by another man as much as she’s enjoyed giving me a shared blow job with her friend. If two people truly love each other then why would they want to deny the other any pleasure or fantasy they desired? Unfortunately, for all the people reading this who “get” where I’m coming from there will be just as many, if not more who will condemn me and find it all totally disgusting.

If everyone’s open and honest then why not? Everybody goes home with a smile on their face and no-one gets hurt. It’s just sex and sex is fun. Let’s all have a little fun, eh? 😉

Read Full Post »


It’s great to be in love. It’s wonderful to feel the sexual attraction, enjoy the friendship and companionship and all the goodies that come with being in a relationship. But somewhere along the line things change, the road gets a little bumpy and before you know it the fun has diminished and it’s become more like hard work. Hey, I’ve been there. Somehow I managed to “work” my way through eighteen years of marriage before we both finally came to our senses and called it a day.

You’d think I might have learned something after all those years but nope, you guessed it, I went and threw myself head-first into another relationship blinded as I was by physical attraction and great sex. It wasn’t long before we were arguing about anything and everything and I was looking for the nearest exit. Her response was: “you need to work harder at it”. It was then that it really dawned on me. Hard work? Who says that relationships necessarily have to be hard work? Surely not. In any case, I wasn’t hanging around to find out whether she was right or not. I had my own theory. Love’s meant to be easy!

And so began my quest to find true unconditional love. I mean, did it really exist or was it really the stuff of fairy tales? You see, what I’ve found in the past is that once you get through all the initial excitement and newness and things get serious everything changes. Suddenly you’re presented with a set of rules and conditions. Change this, change that. Don’t do this, don’t do that. Oh, and those female friends of yours on My Space…..get rid of them, now! Insecurity, jealousy, expectation. One day you wake up and realize that the fun has gone and if you really want to keep this thing going you’re going to have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.

I must admit I’ve never been a fan of hard work. That doesn’t make me a bad person. Slightly lazy, maybe? I just figured that there has to be another way. Surely I’m not the only person on the planet to feel this way. I must admit that I quite enjoyed my brief moment of “single-ness” after eighteen years of marriage. I discovered things about myself that I’d forgotten were in me. Passions that had long been buried. Freedom to think, feel and do whatever I wanted to. Wow! I didn’t resemble the married guy I used to be and I sure as hell didn’t want to lose him again.

So the question is this. Can you maintain your complete individuality and be in a committed relationship? I’m talking about total, unconditional acceptance of you as you are. Why not?

Well, I have news for you, folks. The answer is “yes”! I am now married to the most wonderful woman. We started as good friends and are now husband and wife. The difference is in our attitudes towards each other. We love each other totally and accept each other completely as we are. Neither of us have sought to change anything about the other. This is a second marriage for both of us and I think we both realize that life’s too short to waste it on fussing and fighting. The key ingredients are honesty, acceptance, and communication.

Before we decided to go down the marriage path again we laid everything out on the table. I mean everything. We both conveyed our life stories in detail to one another ensuring that there were no little surprises in store after we tied the knot, so to speak. We discovered some interesting revelations about one another that could certainly be perceived as “deal breakers”. She told me that she had been involved in the “swinging” scene with her previous husband and though apprehensive at the beginning had come to enjoy it and harbored various fantasies involving group sex activities. As our relationship had been forged over a long distance I had developed strong feelings for a friend that I’d been seeing. These feelings had gone beyond friendship and we had been enjoying a sexual relationship. What I had noticed was that while these feelings were becoming stronger my feelings towards my future wife were in no way diminishing. I was confused. Could I possibly feel love for more than one person? Then I heard about polyamory and began to understand that this was, indeed, entirely possible.

So my wife wanted to swing and I was in love with two people. The important thing was that we were in love with each other. Love is love, not ownership. For the record, the “other woman” in this story was fully aware of my situation. We both believe in honesty and communication. We love and let live. We do things together and there are times when we both know that we need our own space. We don’t judge each other or attempt to impose restrictions on each other. The result is a beautiful marriage built on trust and honesty. We don’t keep secrets. There’s no need to. I love my wife and she knows that I’ll always come home to her. She lets me be “me” and I let her be “her”. Loving her is easy, the way it’s meant to be.

I know that this isn’t the way for everyone. It’s  taken me many years and much soul-searching to reach this special place in my life. There are many blogs on this site from people sharing their experiences and I enjoy reading and relating to them. I just know that this feels right for me and we are both the happiest we’ve ever been. I look forward to sharing more in future blogs. Stay tuned!

Read Full Post »