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Archive for August, 2010


I should have seen it coming. When you’re poly and in you’re in a relationship with a mono then you’re on borrowed time. Once again I’ve been cast aside to make way for a potential “real” relationship. It was inevitable. My friend with benefits, who I’ll call Sally, has been actively scouring the dating sites for some time now in search of “the one” and has been enjoying what I would call a solo poly amorous lifestyle in the meantime. She had been seeing different guys, including me, on a casual basis but always made it clear that she harbored the fairytale of finding the perfect mate that she could settle into a long-term monogamous relationship with.

It turns out that Sally had met up with a guy through the internet and spent a wonderful weekend with him. She explained to me that as much as she enjoyed our time together she felt that this guy might have some serious potential and she wasn’t prepared to risk losing him by exposing her extra curricular activities to him. Sally knows my wife and we are all friends and I’d say that her eyes have definitely been opened up since becoming involved with me. We even enjoyed a threesome together. As much as she has been prepared to challenge her own beliefs and values by venturing into new sexual territory she doesn’t feel comfortable bringing that into a brand new relationship with someone whom she assumes wouldn’t be quite so open-minded.

So instead Sally will lock away a part of her life and show her new partner the aspects of her life that she thinks will please him rather than take the risk of him rejecting her for revealing herself honestly. I’m not judging her for this, in fact I understand why she feels this way. How many people are in relationships like this already? I don’t expect her to wave the “poly” flag in his face just because that’s my lifestyle choice.

Fortunately for me this decision hasn’t had the same heart-breaking effect that has happened previously. While I care about Sally and value her friendship neither of us developed any strong emotional attachment and our encounters were limited by distance meaning we would only get together maybe once a month if I was in town. It was good that we kept the relationship simple considering her longer term motives and we will continue to be friends. Who knows, if things don’t work out for her she may be calling me again but I’m okay either way.

This experience has reinforced my desire to seek out additional relationships though in future I will try to connect with others who identify as poly amorous and are preferably in a primary relationship of their own or are happily involved with more than one person. Like they say, it’s all about the journey, not the destination. Stay tuned!

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